i can't take it anymore...

yes. i can't take the back pains and spasms in the left butt anymore. spasms started after wee wee's episode at the hospital.. and getting worse by the day.

and my emotional state of health should be at its worst ever too. i always have a high threshold for pain and yet i feel damn blardy vulnerable and much of an invalid in my current state! i officially hate the bedroom now cos it only means the start of a painful 6-8 hrs for me. i can't freaking move my legs on my own. i can't turn without intense pain. i can't freaking get out of bed on my own!!!!!!!!!! pui! poor dear has to wake up countless times in the middle of the nite to attend to me and when we are with wee wee, he takes over. i know he's tired but he's really trying hard to make me feel more comfy. and it breaks my heart. cos i know i broke his, with all my crying every other nite.

and i HATE it when pple ask me the DUMBEST questions like "got so pain or not?". i seriously feel like giving anyone who dared post this question to me a blardy TIGHT slap across the face. i really feel like answering "yah.. itz not that painful. i m just making this up. i am such a stupid idiot with such low threshold for pain that even a poke in the arm could hurt me. that's y i m feeling this pain."

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........................

we had a conversation the other day. and gosh. we are both feeling the same way towards bb ayden. RESENTMENT. i know i should resent myself more. i shouldn't have even thought of having a second one! i should have considered all previous pain factors before even thinking about it. maybe resentment is too strong a word. maybe it should just be indifference? i dunno but i simply dun feel good towards ayden. the only time i tink of him in my tummy is for the date of delivery to arrive sooner. argh.. dear confessed that he dun feel the same way towards ayden as compared to adri. gosh. why do we even have such thoughts?

i m now praying that ayden will be healthy, safe and happy. i know we will work hard towards learning to love him. and praying for patience and even higher threshold for pain to see me through the next few weeks without me literally banging my head against the damn blardy wall for relief.

anyway, some information on what i m facing.. pelvic pain..

What are the symptoms?
Pain in the pubic area and groin are the most common symptoms. But you may also have the following signs:
Back pain, pelvic girdle pain or hip pain. checked.
A grinding or clicking sensation in your pubic area. checked.
Pain down the inside of your thighs or between your legs. It can be made worse by parting your legs, walking, going up or down stairs or moving around in bed. checked.
Worse pain at night. It can stop you sleeping well and getting up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night can be especially painful. checked. and psst.. i can't even turn on my own efforts.